Thoughts Pondered While Pruning* My Wardrobe
*Like any tree trim worth its salt, this one was brought forth out of necessity rather than desire. Much like a mighty Oak stretching her branches dangerously into power lines, my dresser drawers were literally buckling at the weight of my workout leggings, many of which I hadn't worn since the Mayans predicted the end of the world**.
- "I had a definite tube top phase (TTP)." Like any good TTP, I have few pictures documenting this. Unlike a good TTP, it only happened five years ago. But I had eight of them, and since I know I am among friends here, I will admit to how hard it was for me to part with them. What if they were to be a stylistic linchpin in my next great ensemble? Alas. I did end up donating them all to Goodwill, not because they embarrass me, but because I perceive the utility of a tube top to be that of a gym sock on a garter snake. It is going to slither its way down your bod with every minuscule movement. I hope you get the visual.
- "The Pope saw me wear this, so it must be holy." I ran across the t-shirt I wore to my one and only audience with the Pope I attended in 2010. I haven't worn it since then, but as I attempted to place it into donation territory, I hesitated. What if that once piece of clothing is a crucial identifier when I head up to the pearly gates? What if I need it, much like a ticket stub at a concert? Verdict: my $4.99 Old Navy v-neck stays.
- "My armpits cry black tears." WARNING: this next point is real talk. You've been warned. Real talk: why is it that every last white shirt I own, regardless of the make, model, or year, has egregiously yellowed netherpit regions? Does anyone know how I can prevent this from happening? Advice? Detergent? Pit guards? Tissues? Double-shirting it? Is it just me, or everybody? I have so many questions.
- "Can I sage a shirt?" I am one of those people who ties emotions very tightly to every damn thing I own on this physical plane. As such, I resorted to sorting my clothing by "high energy" and "low energy" clothing. I also pondered the capabilities of sage to allow some of my super low-frequency shirts to be saved. I'm still curious about this, but decided that most of those shirts should go swim with the fishes.
- "Don't you snark at me, sarcastic tank top about drinking wine in yoga pants." One of my tanks, which I used to love previously, was donated due to being "too sarcastic." The message it delivered, you may ask? "I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding, I drink wine in my yoga pants." Considering the newfound importance earnestness and positivity are playing in my life, I found it to be in poor form to wear such a tank top, even to sleep. We could change the phrase to "I do yoga and drink wine in my yoga pants, because I find joy in both activities," but that would probably be too much work to change on a tank top. The type face would probably end up in my yellowed pits. :)